


Someone Explain Love and Make It Make Sense

by son_of_a_bitch_spn_family



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Cas is confused nearly every moment, Dean is full of emotions, M/M, Sam meddles but its for the best
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-03
Updated: 2018-12-03
Packaged: 2019-09-06 06:12:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16826767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/son_of_a_bitch_spn_family/pseuds/son_of_a_bitch_spn_family
Summary: Cas blinks at them, blue eyes clouded with confusion, and says, “Can you tell me what it means to fall in love?”Dean's chest grows tight, clenching so suddenly that he coughs. He hadn't expected that, is caught so much by surprise that he drops his fork. Sam - the absolute dork - nearly chokes on the bacon he'd unthinkingly put in his mouth.“Um,” Sam says, and Dean thinks that's pretty eloquent for the situation.





	Someone Explain Love and Make It Make Sense

**Author's Note:**

> I have zero idea where this came from, but it's cute, so HERE. 
> 
> Unbetaed. 
> 
> Enjoy. 
> 
> -SOBS

It's on a particularly cold morning that Cas sits himself at the kitchen table, mouth pinched like he's bothered by something, and Dean looks at Sam for confirmation that he's seeing this too. 

Sam sees it too. 

“Alright, Cas?” Sam asks casually. 

Cas blinks at them, blue eyes clouded with confusion, and says, “Can you tell me what it means to fall in love?” 

Dean's chest grows tight, clenching so suddenly that he coughs. He hadn't expected that, is caught so much by surprise that he drops his fork. Sam - the absolute  _ dork  _ \- nearly chokes on the bacon he'd unthinkingly put in his mouth. 

“Um,” Sam says, and Dean thinks that's pretty eloquent for the situation. 

Cas looks down at the table, eyebrows folding together, little wrinkles of utter frustration around his mouth, and Dean doesn't have the heart to look at him head-on. 

So, he is basically talking to his plate when he mutters, “Why, uh, why d’ya wanna know?”

“I think, perhaps, there is an extreme oversight when it comes to my ability to understand the development of love, such as it is pertaining to humanity,” Cas explains slowly. 

“Cas, you're speaking in big words again, man. You only do that when you're pissed,” Dean tells him, picking his fork back up and waving it at him, clicking his tongue. “Why's this eating at you? Since when do you care about humanity's perception of love?” 

Sam frowns. “He's allowed to be curious.” 

“M'not saying he isn't,” Dean mumbles defensively, grimacing at his eggs. 

Cas heaves a sigh and stands up. “I'll call Claire.” 

“No!” Sam blurts, waving his hands wildly, eyes wide in panic. “No, Cas, you can't. She's, uh, not gonna take that too well. Ya know, after Kaia…” 

If anything, Cas looks more annoyed. “She loved Kaia?  _ See?  _ Why didn't I know that?” 

Sam scrubs a hand down his face, looking weary. Dean sighs, says, “It's not something you always know, Cas. Sometimes it's obvious, sometimes it's… hidden, I guess.” 

“But… but  _ why?  _ Why hide love?” Cas asks, his tone conveying just how utterly baffled he is. “Love is glorious, something to celebrate, isn't it?” 

“No,” Dean grunts, pushing his plate away. He's no longer hungry. “Love's stupid, and painful, and quite possibly the worst thing that can happen to people like us. And when you're  _ falling  _ in love, it's the worst feeling in the world.” 

Sam sighs. “Dean, there's  _ a lot  _ to unpack with you, dude. Cas, don't listen to him. Falling in love is… special. It's exciting, scary sometimes, but the kind of scary that you're not always afraid of.” 

“How?” Dean asks bitterly, lip curling up in distaste, nose wrinkling. “How can you possibly say that?” 

“I'm not saying that it's easy, it's not,  _ but  _ with the right person, it's… special,” Sam insists. 

“It's  _ not  _ special,” Dean growls, “it's painful.” 

“Then it wasn't with the right person,” Sam growls back, eyes narrowed, jaw clenching. “Look, the turn-out - for people like us, anyway - isn't the best, but when it's with the right person, when it's mutual, when it's  _ genuine,  _ and not complicated, it's the  _ best  _ feeling in the world.” 

Cas’ head swivels between them, eyes wide, throat bobbing as tension thickens around them. 

Dean takes a deep breath, words barely escaping through clenched teeth when he spits, “The experience isn't the same for everyone,  _ Sam.  _ And how the fuck can you say this, after… everything?” 

Sam's hand hits the tabletop with a thud. “I don't regret loving the people I have. I refuse, because that would be a disrespect to  _ them.  _ You fall for someone, you lose them, it fucking  _ hurts,  _ but you love them anyway, because that's just what you do!” 

“Maybe we should stop talking about this,” Cas suggests carefully. 

“No!” Dean shouts, swiveling bright green eyes to Cas. “No. You asked, so I'll tell you. Falling in love is the absolute  _ worst  _ feeling in the world. You feel sick all the time, you worry  _ constantly  _ about them, you can't fucking think when they're around, and when they're gone, you lose a piece of yourself too!” 

“Oh, bullshit!” Sam yells, nearly coming out of his seat with how hard he leans forward. “That's such bullshit, Dean, and you  _ know  _ it. Falling in love is scary, yes, and it's hard, yes, but it feels so good that you get to do it! You get this person, someone who  _ isn't  _ your brother, or mom, or dad, and you love them, despite everything… you  _ love  _ them.” 

“And then they're  _ dead!  _ What happens, Sam? They fucking die, every goddamn time, so how is it worth it? How is it special, how does it feel  _ good?  _ Falling in love is a waste of time,” Dean snaps, gripping his fork so hard it bends slightly. 

“But you can't  _ stop  _ it. You can't just… just pull out all the stops and decide  _ not  _ to fall in love with someone! Because when you try, when you ignore it, you'll regret everything you didn't allow yourself to do with them. Because falling in love isn't a one-way street, and it takes  _ two  _ to do it, when it's mutual,” Sam tells Dean, words coming out faster and faster. “I have loved, and I have lost, and I'll do it again one day, because  _ one day,  _ it will work out and every single person I've ever loved will have been worth it.” 

“Dean,” Cas starts, but Dean leans forward and meets Sam's eyes, ignoring him completely. 

“Sometimes, it's better not to love someone.  _ Sometimes,  _ you choose not to love them to save them and yourself!” Dean hisses, green eyes blazing. 

“Oh, fuck you,” Sam bursts out, waving a hand and scrunching his face in open disgust. “You don't get to choose, and you sure as hell don't  _ save  _ anyone by taking away your love for them! Say what you want, deny all you want, Dean, but you fell in love with him, despite digging your feet in the whole way!” 

Cas blinks as Sam sits back, face red in his anger. It takes him about three seconds to realize what he just said, and his eyes widen in shock. Cas looks at Dean, blinking rapidly. Dean is pale, mouth snapped shut so tight it looks painful, and he looks ten seconds from vomiting all over the table. 

“Shit, Dean, I'm-” 

Dean jerks himself from the table, disappearing around the corner so fast Cas almost misses it. There's the distinct sound of his bedroom door slamming, amd Cas looks over to see Sam bury his face into his hands with a groan. 

“I'm sorry,” Cas apologizes, swallowing thickly. “I shouldn't have asked.” 

“No, no, it's not your fault,” Sam mutters, words muffled by his fingers. His head pops up, and he looks at Cas curiously. “Why  _ did  _ you ask? And don't give me that bullshit about wondering how humans perceive love.” 

Cas tilts his head at Sam. “Could I be falling in love with you, Sam?” 

Sam blinks. “Um… are you?” 

“I really wouldn't know,” Cas admits with a shrug. 

“But you do. You're just not asking yourself the right questions,” Sam tells him, leaning forward on his elbows. 

“Like?” Cas challenges. 

Sam purses his lips. “Okay, for one, do you even like dudes?” 

Cas arches an eyebrow. “Gender, quite literally, means absolutely nothing to me.” 

“Okay,” Sam nods, lips twitching. “You think I'm attractive?” 

Cas flicks his eyes over Sam, calculating, and Sam straightens, going still and looking nervous, as if this is a test he hasn't studied for. “Yes.” 

“Oh,” Sam blurts, clearly surprised by his answer. He chuckles slightly. “Okay, thanks. But, like, would you have sex with me if given the chance?” 

Cas gives a full-body jerk, and before he can think, his mouth spits out, “No!” 

“Tell a guy how you  _ really  _ feel, Cas,” Sam snorts, waving a hand when Cas looks guilty. “No, it's fine. I suspected as much. Just to assure you, I wouldn't either, so it's cool.” 

“And what does love have to do with sex?” Cas asks with narrowed eyes. “I've had sex with people I didn't love.” 

“I mean, you're right, but sex usually comes with love. I mean, sometimes, not all the time. It really depends on the person. Some people don't have sex, don't like it, or just don't feel the need to, but they're capable of love.  _ But  _ you've established that you do have sex, so it'll probably be a factor for you.” 

“I see. And if it's not?” 

Sam hums. “Fair enough. How about this? You like me, sure, and we're family, but love is all of that and more. It's… hard to explain, you know? It's the person, more than anything. You wanna spend your life with them,  _ make  _ a life with them. You wanna be the reason they smile, you smile because of them, you don't want anyone else in the world, not so intimately at least. Dean's right in some things. In the beginning, when it's fresh and uncharted, you can't think properly when they're around. You do shit for them you'd  _ never  _ do for others. You just… love them with everything you've got, because you don't really know how to do anything else.” 

“And Dean feels this way for someone?” Cas asks, stomach churning at the thought. 

Sam stares at him, face softening. “I suspected. I mean, I guess I know for sure now, but I didn't. But it's not the same for him. He's not- he doesn't see it as good. He doesn't think his life will allow him something as good as love.” 

“That's not fair,” Cas says, frowning. “Not fair for him, for you, for any of us. We should… get the chance.” 

“I don't think it's something we're given,” Sam whispers, smiling sadly. “I think it's something we take. We don't always get to keep it, but while it's ours… it's everything.” 

Cas swallows. “And if you don't take it?” 

“Regret is a very powerful thing, man. I'd argue it's as strong as love. Once you miss something, or give it up, you rarely ever get the chance to have it again.” 

“I believe you. I regret many things I've done, and I regret many things I haven't.” 

Sam nods at him, eyes watching him seriously. Cas has the sudden urge to squirm, or leave, but Sam speaks before he can. “You wanna know the best and worst thing about falling in love?” 

Curiosity killed the cat, so Cas murmurs, “What?” 

Sam grins. “Sometimes, you don't even know it's happening until it's already too late.” 

Cas is fairly sure his heart plummets to his knees, a sharp dive of sudden realization. “Dean.” 

“What's that?” Sam asks, eyes practically sparkling in the light. “Didn't hear you, Cas.” 

“ _ Dean, _ ” Cas croaks, eyes wide. “I- Sam, I'm in love with Dean.” 

Sam has the gall to snort. “Are you? I didn't notice.”

The sarcasm is strong with this one.

“You're an asshole,” Cas notes, voice just on the edge of hysteria. “This isn't… I can't do that.”

“Why not?” Sam huffs, looking offended. “Dean's great. I mean, he's a lot, but he's great.” 

Cas pins a flat look on Sam. “As heartwarming as your nearly adolescent adoration for your brother is, I'm currently in a  _ crisis.  _ Shift focus, Sam.” 

Sam's cheeks glow pink, and he clears his throat. “Shut up. It's not… adolescent, it's-  _ shut up.  _ He's my big brother, okay? I don't know why you're in a crisis; it's not a big deal.” 

“Sam, it's  _ Dean.  _ I can't. He's my friend. I shouldn't feel this way,” Cas mutters, frowning. 

“So, what?” Sam scoffs. “You love him. You, who would give everything you have just so he'd be happy. You, who would gladly give your life so he could live his. You, who has healed, and cared, and  _ loved  _ him when you weren't supposed to. I think it would be surprising if you  _ didn't  _ feel this way.” 

Cas’ lips part, and he stares at Sam in awe. “Has it always been this way?” 

“Not for me to know,” Sam admits with a shrug. “I just want you to be happy, dude.” 

“I'm certainly not  _ happy;  _ I'm devastated. Dean was right, love is stupid,” Cas growls petulantly. 

Sam rolls his eyes. “Jesus  _ Christ,  _ Cas, you're as dramatic as he is. Why is this a bad thing?” 

“Because I can't un-know this,” Cas groans, reaching up to run his hand through his hair. “How am I supposed to hide this from him?” 

“Have you even been listening to me?” Sam deadpans, sighing. “You  _ don't  _ hide it, Cas. You don't avoid it, you don't keep it from him, and you definitely don't give it up. It's there for a reason, you know.” 

“And I'm just supposed to, what, go and tell him? You can't be suggesting that I just go to Dean and casually tell him I'm in love with him, ruin our friendship, and possibly cause him to hate me for the rest of his life.” 

“Do you seriously believe Dean would do that?” 

Cas deflates, sighing. “No, but he'll be awkward and avoid me for awhile.” 

Sam purses his lips for a moment. “Possibly. But it's nice to feel loved, Cas. He deserves to know.” 

“So, I just…” Cas trails off and waves a hand in the direction of Dean's bedroom. 

“Be gentle, but yeah,” Sam tells him, smiling wide and happy. He stands up and digs his headphones from his pocket. “I'm gonna go out for a bit, maybe go watch a movie. Call me if you need me.” 

With that, Sam turns and leaves Cas sitting at the table, heart in his throat. 

It takes Cas a very long time for him to get up, but when he does, he forces himself to walk steadily to Dean's door. He stands outside, fist perched to knock, and he can't make himself move. His heart is racing, mind turning with all possible endings of this encounter. He wants to turn and walk away, never mention it again, but he quickly knocks before he gets the chance. 

“What?” Dean calls gruffly. 

“It's just me,” Cas calls back, and he thinks over the words. It  _ is  _ just him. This is ridiculous. 

The door opens, and Dean stares at him cautiously, green eyes narrowed, mouth tight. “You need something?” 

“May I come in?” Cas murmurs, averting his eyes. 

Dean sighs. “I fucking guess.” 

Dean backs away, allowing Cas to walk in the room. Dean immediately moves away from him, going over to plop on the end of his bed. He puts his elbows on his knees and gazes at Cas. When Cas just stands in the middle of the room awkwardly, Dean sweeps out a hand, eyebrows raised. 

“Right,” Cas coughs, clearing his throat. “I wanted to speak to you about love.” 

_ Be gentle,  _ Sam had said. Cas realizes too late that this is most certainly  _ not  _ gentle. 

Dean throws his hands up, a garbled sound of anger making way up his throat. He launches himself from the bed, pacing back and forth, pointedly not looking at Cas. “Sam told you? Man,  _ fuck  _ him.” 

“Um,” Cas stutters, because he hadn't expected that and has no idea what's going on. 

Dean whirls on him, eyes so big and frightened, and Cas wants to reach out and hug him, comfort him, do  _ something  _ to ease away the look of undeniable pain and self-disgust painted on Dean's features. Dean steps forward, looks as if he's about to touch Cas, but aborts the movement with a jerk. 

“Can I…” Dean's words fall off, and he swallows thickly. “Before you let me down easy, can I just… will you let me- ah,  _ fuck it. _ ” 

Cas puzzles through Dean's words, trying to piece together exactly what he means. But before he can figure it out, Dean inhales a deep breath and takes three long strides towards him, exhaling loudly as his hands come up. Cas feels hands cradle his cheeks, then a mouth over his, and he doesn't really understand what just  _ happened,  _ but he doesn't think he's ever cared about anything less. 

Cas is pretty sure his eyes are supposed to be closed; he's always had them closed in every other kiss. But he stares in absolute wonder at the look on Dean's face as he kisses him. It's a strange mixture of pain and pleasure, like the very act hurts and heals him in a way nothing else can. 

There's no tongue, just lips pressed together, soft and warm and sweet, and Cas understands absolutely  _ nothing  _ about the whole situation, but that's okay because despite the war going on in Dean's expression, peace seems to hold biggest chance of winning. And Cas  _ did  _ this, Cas caused it, made him look this way. 

Dean makes a small sound in the back of his throat, something like a whimper, and his eyes peel open. They stare at each other, lips pressed together, Dean's hands on Cas’ face, Cas just standing limply. Dean blinks once, and Cas does too, and just like that, Dean jerks back with a hiss. 

“Shit,” Dean curses. 

“I'm in love with you,” Cas blurts out, because his mind is completely blank, and he doesn't seem to be functioning properly, and that is the last thing he'd thought before Dean pulled away. 

“Shit,” Dean says again, this time softer. 

“Sam said you deserved to know,” Cas murmurs, casting his gaze to the floor. “I didn't know before ten minutes ago, I don't think so anyway. I just… wanted to let you know.” 

“Shit,” Dean croaks, sounding raw and hurt. “Sam didn't tell you, did he?” 

“Tell me, what?” Cas asks. 

“You,” Dean mutters, shakes his head as if to clear his head. “I mean, you're the guy, the one I… yeah.” 

Cas swallows. “No, he didn't.” 

“Shit,” Dean whispers again. 

“How long?” Cas wonders, raising his eyes to look at Dean curiously. 

“I dunno,” Dean admits. “Maybe forever? Maybe a year ago? Two, three, six? I'm not sure. I can't remember  _ not  _ having… uh, feelings.” 

“When did you know?” 

“I've known since… Daphne.” 

Cas blinks rapidly, sucking in a sharp breath. “You never said anything.” 

“Yeah,” Dean agrees, swallowing and shrugging slightly, hunching in on himself. 

“You're terrified,” Cas realizes, heart clenching. “You're scared to love me.” 

Dean gives a jerky nod. “You won't stop  _ dying. _ ” 

“I'm sorry,” Cas says immediately, because he suddenly understands  _ everything.  _

Cas wouldn't want to accept his love for Dean if Dean went and died all the time either. In fact, he doesn't think there would be anything worse than loving Dean and losing him. But it's far too late to backpedal now, so he refuses. 

“I think I've loved you for as long as I've known you. And I think I've known it subconsciously for a long time,” Cas tells him, standing to his full height. He swallows his nerves, says, “I will not let the possibility of our future death keep us from a slice of joy now. Sam was right. Choosing not to do anything about it is not fair to either one of us.” 

Dean grimaces. “I did something about it. You didn't seem too, uh, responsive.” 

The kiss. Right. The one Cas had been too awe-struck by to react to. That one. 

“Forgive me. I was fully prepared for you to hit me for my confession, not kiss me before I got a chance to confess,” Cas chuckles. 

“I wouldn't have hit you if I didn't feel the same, you know. I would've… well, I would've turned you down as gently as possible and then took you out to get laid. Best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,” Dean explains, wrinkling his nose and flapping a hand. 

“Is that what you've been doing?” Cas hums. 

Dean points at him. “Shut up.” 

Cas cracks a smile. “I won't. I don't really have to anymore, do I?” 

“No,” Dean sighs, sagging in on himself, “I guess not.” 

“So, we're in love,” Cas muses, feeling strangely giggy and pleased. “This went far better than expected.” 

“Sam's a meddling bitch,” Dean announces, rolling his eyes, “but he's fucking smart.” 

Cas smiles. “Indeed.” 

Dean clears his throat. “So, what now?” 

“Sex?” Cas suggests. 

“What,” Dean chokes, eyes going wide. 

“Later,” Cas decides. “We can do that later.” 

Dean looks ready to faint, but he manages a nod and mumbles, “Later, right.” 

“Too soon?” Cas asks, wrinkles forming around his eyes as he tries not to out-right laugh at Dean's dazed state. 

Dean shoots him a glare. “Fuck off.” 

“How about we just… go out?” Cas murmurs, shrugging slightly. “Nothing has to change between us, I don't think.” 

“Just throw sex into the mix,” Dean mutters. 

“You seem averse to the idea, yet also excited? How do you  _ do  _ that?” 

“Sweetheart, I'm a bundle of fucking emotions, alright? You might wanna get used to that,  _ right now,  _ if you're strapped to all this baggage.” 

“I have a pet name now,” Cas says in a decidedly pleased way. 

“That's what you focus on?” Dean grumbles. 

“I'm well aware of your turmoulous emotions, Dean, as well as the burdens on your soul, all of which you don't deserve. I can only hope to lighten them,” Cas assures him softly. 

Dean looks to the ceiling as of begging for help, and Cas can see the blush lighting his cheeks. “Jesus _ ,  _ I'm so gone on you, what the fuck.” 

Cas is utterly delighted. “Sam was right; this is more than worth it.” 

Dean groans, but he doesn't disagree. 

Cas has no idea what falling in love is like; he's fairly sure he's loved Dean the moment he laid a hand on him in hell. Dean seems equally unsure about how he stumbled into loving Cas. 

It makes him realize that love is many things, but avoidable certainly isn't one. 

“So…” Dean mutters awkwardly, scratching the back of his neck, “the date?” 

Cas hums, a warmth settling a steady throb around his heart. “I'm agreeable.” 

Dean nods and starts towards the door, but Cas reaches out and draws him in close, copying Dean's actions from earlier. Dean makes a sound that he'll undoubtedly deny is a squeak, but Cas swallows it. 

He kisses Dean properly, eyes closed and all. He doesn't need to see to know it's real. The way Dean pants into his mouth, fingers clinging to his sides, lips moving in tandem with his own, tongue seeking out tentatively, tells Cas all he needs to know. 

“Sex is  _ definitely  _ on the table,” Dean moans, dipping his head back to let Cas nibble at his throat. 

Cas chuckles against Dean's jaw, murmuring, “Thought so.” 

“Bastard,” Dean huffs, fingers clenching at Cas’ arms when he sucks at the spot below his ear. 

“Another pet name,” Cas hums. 

“Fuck, fuck,  _ fuck, _ ” Dean groans, swaying in his spot. “I love you, what the fuck.” 

Cas pulls back, nearly breathless by the words that fell from Dean's lips. “I love you too.” 

Dean groans again, this time from embarrassment, though Cas can't imagine why, and mutters, “Let's just go on a fucking date.” 

Cas smiles and lets Dean drag him away. 

* * *

  
  


Sam does not get a call, but he can hear moans coming from Dean's room when he returns to the bunker after a movie and quick bite to eat. He sighs and walks into his room, looking at the mirror on the wall with a grimace. 

“You deserve this, Winchester,” Sam tells his reflection with a glare. 

Try as he might though, Sam can't force himself to regret one thing. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. Don't hesitate to leave some kudos and drop a comment; I do so enjoy them! 
> 
> -SOBS


End file.
